A Scottish distillery has unearthed Whisky which is over 300 years of age. The incredible find comes from before the distillery was built, defying existing knowledge of the space-time continuum.
The flavour profile has been described as complex, with notes of “caramel”, “apple”, “peanut butter” and “old”. The Whisky will be sold in a leather-bound display case, with a signed certificate showing that the scientists involved have no idea how it could even exist. Travel retail exclusive.
A new “premium, small-batch, hand crafted Scottish Craft” Gin has been launched into the market. The team behind the new product has claimed that their mix of botanicals truly represents the local area and that they are using one weird plant, like a bit of cactus or something. The gin is also linked with a location, which currently only has 3 other “premium, small-batch, hand crafted Scottish Craft” gins associated with it.
The gins packaging, designed by a thriving marketing agency, is at least somewhat unique, incorporating elements of avant garde, steampunk, and art deco design. We are obligated at this point to mention the massive gin boom which has happened over the last few years. I mean, did you know, that 2016 was the year of the highest gin sales ever! Oh, you did?
Representatives of the brand cannot confirm whether they are simply flavouring spirit made at an industrial distilery, or contracting out production entirely, to quickly get onboard what has been described by many as a “gravy train”. Despite this, the brand representatives claim that they hand-crafted this gin purely because of a pure, unmitigated passion for the category which suddenly flourished when the market grew substantially.
You can pick up a 375ml bottle of the gin for the low price of £44.99 from your local bottle shop or village fête.
Punks across the country have been met with mild shock, as anarchist brewers have finally sold out to “the man” after years of simply jerking him off. As a result of this, their own bars are refusing to sell their beer, scrubbing the BrewDog name from tap fonts, dog collars and staff uniforms alike.
BrewDog has stated that their new overlords TSG Consumer Partners own only innocent brands such as pop-chips, vitamin water and probably pogs or some shit. The companies other brands, which Brewdog fans have been advised not to think too much about, include Pabst Brewing Co and Sweetwater Brewery. Fans around the country are showing their support for Brewdog by tying small blue ribbons to bottles of punk IPA in solidarity.
This isn’t the first time that BrewDogs reputation as superpunks has been endangered, having brewed beers exclusively for Wetherspoons and experienced success on the shelves of the very retailers they revolt against. The company is planning their biggest PR piece ever to mitigate the damage, replacing all the tap water in Cambodia with Dead Pony Club for a week.
A spokesman from BrewDog was quoted as stating their relationship with Pabst was “purely ironic”.